Falling in Love Again...

Proclamation Of Love - I

Rain splashed across the window while I lazily sipped on the cup of ginger tea sitting on my desk. It was a beautiful day as I love rains. Somehow I feel that nature senses my emotions and makes me feel that God is listening to me.

It had been more than a year since I last wrote a blog. I was never too concerned about writing, but I guess professionally, it has helped me grow. But more importantly, personally it has always been a way for me to vent out my frustrations and throw them in a space where no one can find them. My deep, not to be shared, emotions surf

ace and find release when I write them down. I had a habit of writing them down in a diary but without fail, each and every diary of mine have been read by everyone in my family. Sometimes, it has been so embarrassing, but there was this one time when I felt bad.

My diary consist of chronicles of my emotional journey with my ex-boyfriend. It was hard for me to share my thoughts with anyone but my diary as I thought that no one understood what I was going through. I thought that I will never be able to move on with life that I will always hate my parents for not letting me be with him, that my faith in God will never be restored...and that I will never fall in love again.

I would say, though it was the hardest thing I have ever done, but yes, I moved on with life. Depression was what surrounded me, but I have to admit that I have been really happy in life since quite some time. All thanks to love.

Yes, I fell in love, again.

For a person like me, who thinks that love is for a lifetime and you cannot feel that connection with anyone else again, fell in love, head over heels. He came into my life when I had been going through an inner conflict of whether I wanted someone in my life to fill the void I had been feeling since almost for two years and move on or whether I wanted to live with the memories of the old love, get married to someone of my parents' choice and then live my life without actually loving him. The old love of mine had married some other girl due to the pressure of his and my family, so why I don't have a right to love and care of someone who would love to have me and care for me? Why should I be the one to sacrifice my life's desires when he was living a fine life, not emotionally though but he was slowly settling for what he had got.

Then, why me?

Last two years had completely changed me from what I use to be...

When I fell in love for the first time, I was naive to the outer world and its ways, submissive to him, I was innocent, believed that true love survives everything and that there's only one love, one soulmate who can never be replaced by anyone else. But never counted the possibility of the fact that the one you considered your soulmate was just someone who taught you important lessons of life and love, your twin soul, your reflection but not your soulmate. What if God has made someone else to be your soulmate and you are just blinded by the fact that this is true love?

There was a time when I felt that the pain, loneliness and unrequited love that I felt for my past will never go away. The process of telling my parents about it and then going through the emotional torture had tormented my soul to the core and I, in not the same way, felt that that I could move on or feel the same way about anyone ever again. But most importantly, I felt that no one would ever be able to match up to his standards, his love and care for me, the intensity of passion we had for each other. I was afraid I would fall just like that for someone and would regret later as I won't be able to give that new relationship my hundred percent. I didn't want to hurt that new guy. I thought I will never be good enough for someone else and that someone else would never be enough for me. But I guess God loves proving me wrong.

When I saw him, he came around as a sweet, innocent guy. Someone who was naive and didn't know anything about this world. I never thought that I would ever fall for him. But destiny has its ways. But when I fell for him, I fell really hard. The attraction was so powerful that I could hardly take any time off him. We started spending mornings and evenings of every day of the week together. There were days when we use to be together for more than 12 hours and use to go back only to our respective homes only to get some sleep. It was becoming obsessive. Even after a year of togetherness, I still had separation anxiety if I couldn't see him for one day. I was addicted.

It wasn't like I felt insecure in the relationship. In fact, I had never felt this secure with anyone else. It was like he brought peace in my life. Happiness and contentment came along. He was a friend with whom I could talk about anything and everyone, share my deepest thoughts, talk about the demons of the past that haunted me, and even after all my teary-drama, I knew that he would be there, by my side always with his protective arm around my shoulders or holding my hand while making our way through the crowd or scolding me whenever I behaved like a spoiled brat. He was everything that I had ever imagined. I never felt this way in my past relationship. At that point of time, passion and intensity was all that mattered, but now it was different, it was something I had never imagined of.

In the past, I had been a victim of infidelity. Though I never told anyone but I have been. When we told our parents about our relationship, they were not ready and due to pressure from the family, my ex-boyfriend started taking steps back. It hurt me, deeply. I kept on trying to make him understand that I will never leave him and will stand by him in this difficult situation all the way. But he disappointed me as after a few months he started flirting with other girls and once went to meet one of those as well. His best friend told me about it. When I confronted him, he accepted this angrily and regretted afterwards saying he was just trying to keep his mind-off me. Wow, what an explanation for such a behavior. It was not the first time he had done this. He kept flirting with other girls when he was in a pretty serious and long relationship before and I knew it very well. But, I was so blind to his ways of being in a relationship. I worshiped him with all my heart. He kept hurting me and I kept taking it thinking that I was the one to take all the burdens of the relationship while he had all the rights to have fun. I was the responsible one even though I was 8 years younger than him. I thought this is how it will always be. I thought if I ever said a word to him, he will leave me and I won't be able to live through it.

But yet again, God proved me wrong.

I survived all of this. I survived watching him go marry someone else. I survived depression when suicidal thoughts came to my mind everyday. I survived being alive.

After two years...two very long years for me as I took this much time to get back to my normal mental state. As I started thinking that it all depends on me to be happy, I started spending more time with my friends, while going out and drinking became often. Until I realized this is not how I should be living. That realization came when things had already became bitter between us. And I felt how I could have been so stupid not to see how insensible he is, to see how he doesn't care about others except himself, how he has all the signs of a typical roadside Romeo.

That was the moment when all the unshed tears, all the unrequited pain vanished. After that moment, I stopped feeling anything for him. I became neutral.

That was also the moment when I, unknowingly, opened the gates of my heart for someone else and it was the perfect time when he, my future, came into my life.

My heart went out to him when while coming back from the trip he massaged my foot. It was extraordinary for me as nobody had treated me that way before. He asked me out a few times before I said yes to him and was always courteous. But we instantly hit off on our first date and I later discovered that the criteria for both of us to judge how the date went was that if we got bored or not. And to much of my surprise, he talked a lot, though he had always been a shy one among the group of friends. He talked openly about himself. There was a bond between us, of the past. He had been through a similar situation and knew what it felt.

It was easy talking to him and I use to blush whenever my friends teased me about him. It was anew for me as I had never blushed before like this, visible to everyone. It was soon after a few dates when I asked about his thoughts about commitment and was quite surprised to find out that he was not ready for it. He never seemed like someone who believed in flings and going out with someone just for fun, but you never know what life makes you after making you go through tough times. I was disheartened and told him what I want or otherwise there was no point in being together after what I had been through. I wanted security of the future. I wanted to have someone who would never leave me again alone in this world. I wanted someone I can rely on at any hour of the day. I wanted someone to protect me from this cruel world and gave me a safe haven in his arms.

So, I left, with heavy heart. The heart which was fluttering with excitement since so many weeks felt so weak suddenly. I felt abandoned, again.

I never asked him the reason for not being ready for making a commitment. I simply thought that maybe I was not good enough for him. That maybe I was good enough to have fun with and not good enough to be a partner. So many thoughts ran through my mind and my heart went through so many very well-known emotions yet again. I felt I had hit a dead end and I won't be able to risk opening my heart again for someone. I went back home feeling failed. Feeling like no one in this world wanted me. Feeling empty. The void that I was so desperately trying to fill suddenly became evident again.